She Walks on Glass

She Walks on Glass

 

A spotlight appears around Brooke Shields, who is dressed in mock-Arab style, with a jeweled halter and a long sequined skirt, gold bracelets on her wrists and arms. The spotlight widens to show a large rectangle on the floor, and I see what I had taken to be some kind of bad taste mosaic is really a large box, like a long sandbox, filled with pieces of broken glass.

Teary-eyed, she pauses halfway across the glass, a jewel stuck somehow in the middle of her forehead, her hair longer than I’ve seen it, layered softly over her shoulders. She moves her hands to draw attention to her red fingernails, and from them also to her red toenails, poised above the red labels of the broken bottles, all that red supposed to make the red blood on her foot seem like an illusion, but I see it, spreading under the skin the way blood does, as she concentrates on each step, each motion of her hip, her final step off the glass as deliberate as all the others. She makes the same measured gesture with her hand and then runs off the floor, skipping a little on her bad foot.

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The Department of Shades and Blinds: A Quotebag

The Department of Shades and Blinds: A Quotebag

 

As a young man, Hans Castorp had learned the exhilarating thrill of brushing up against powers whose full embrace would destroy you.

There had always been people who had willingly entered into illness and madness in order to win knowledge for mankind – and knowledge, having been wrestled from madness became health and, once obtained by heroic sacrifice, its possession and use were no longer conditioned by illness and madness.

– Thomas Mann

 

The only difference between a madman and me is that I am not mad.

– Salvador Dali

 

To them he dedicated some of his best love poems, Platonically exalting their beauty, which to him was living proof of the immanence of the divine on earth.

– Luciano Rebay

 

Sensations are the great things after all!

– Edgar Allan Poe

 

I read that the puppet world is in a mess

But I don’t feel distress

Good-bye puppet world!

– Iggy Pop

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Bethany: Part X

Bethany: Part X

I realized then that among the many things I didn’t know about Bethany was exactly where she lived. Last year, I’d roamed the amoeba shaped maze that was Fox Chapel with Heather many nights in many states of consciousness, but back then we were just cruising, letting chance set our agenda, and most of it was a blur now – except the locations of the houses and hangouts of a few of the most notable trust fund druggies. Not surprisingly, however, Bethany was a very competent guide, able, unlike Heather, to tell me to turn before we’d passed an intersection. We pulled onto one of the streets that uncoils into a hydra’s head of roundabouts and dead ends and slowly wended our way left and right until we reached the driveway of her showcase home.

Heather lived in what was an authentic Fox Chapel mansion, a decaying relic of the old days, but Bethany’s house was something different, not the old Fox Chapel, but an incredible simulation, a modern pastiche that suggested old money and a huge lot while actually being fabricated with new materials and sitting within a few hundred yards of the neighbors. The driveway was short but seemed long, with an unnecessary dogleg and a line of short, bushy trees.

"Go all the way over," Bethany said. "By the garage." It seemed unnecessarily far from the front door I was ostensibly delivering her to, but I’d grown used to following her directions and pulled over.

At the end of a first date there’s always a moment of truth, a rapidly approaching finish line, a deadline really, and I approached it apprehensively, especially since I’d so carefully framed our encounter as an exploratory meeting between two new friends without any romantic overtones, and yet was feeling, almost despite myself, the first strong stirrings of desire.

"Come on," she said as I sat there numbly, still working things out. "You can walk me to the door."

"Sure, sure," I said, getting out, then actually having the presence of mind to open her door for her when I noticed she wasn’t following.

"Thanks." When we reached the corner of the garage she stopped and touched my arm. "Hold on." I realized later that this was the last place where we still couldn’t be seen from the house.

You don’t have to be enlightened to know when a woman wants to kiss you, and there’s something there, in that pregnant moment of silence when your eyes meet and that magnetic pull grows, that seems to contain in embryo everything, everything the two of you will know or have together. I wasn’t surprised when she came to me enthusiastically, but I was somewhat taken aback when she immediately thrust her tongue into my mouth and even more so when she firmly grabbed my wrists and took the hands I’d tentatively laid on her hips and lifted them to her breasts.

Obligingly, I squeezed and she made no demur. I was truly shocked at the turn of events, but, fortunately, my body seemed to know what to do, and returned her eager but awkward caresses, until, abruptly, she broke away.

"Wow…" I said. "Bethany, I didn’t…"

"Let’s go," she said. "They’ll be wondering what happened to us."

We walked up to the door again. "So, I take it we can go out again."

"I don’t know," she said, smiling. "What do you think?"

"I think yes."

"Me too. Good night." She leaned forward for a conventionally chaste kiss and went quickly through the door.

I stood there numbly until I noticed a small blond child staring at me from the picture window, and then made my way back to the car, not thinking about anything but the mechanics of starting the car, turning it around, and getting it rolling back down the driveway. I slowed to a stop at the end, though, overwhelmed, holding my hands out in front of me, the warm press of her still weighing on my palms.

What had just happened?

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Continental Tales

Continental Tales

 

Genet’s been apprehended

For sabotaging Camus’s car

Rimbaud’s been befriended

By Verlaine in a bar

 

Proust is trembling

At the sound of a mouse

Beckett is dissembling

On the way to Joyce’s house

 

Eluard is concluding

Dali will take his wife

Breton is brooding

Vache will take his life

 

Celine is pessimistic

(that’s nothing new)

De Chirico’s turned realistic

Picasso’s feeling blue

 

Sartre’s a bit nauseous

Tzara’s making noise

Duchamp mocks us

Cocteau’s looking for young boys

 

Miller’s got some money

There’s a hole in Magritte’s door

Baudelaire’s got a black honey

Apollinaire’s gone to war

 

Villon’s been arrested

Justine says treat me mean

Paris is congested

Hugo’s ego’s on the scene

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Stace

Stace

"I used to just sit there in my room, staring at myself in the mirror. I’d think my hair will be perfect even if my clothes aren’t. I’d look so long sometimes that I’d start to feel like I was floating there, floating on top of the mirror like it was water. I still get that feeling sometimes." She’s looking away, out the picture window at the slowly swaying trees in the valley. "You know, it’s funny, I had this dream last night, this dream I used to have all the time back then – I’m in a life jacket, in the middle of the ocean. There’s nothing around, no ships, no land, no people, nothing, just water, and I’m floating there, all alone." Somehow her chair’s a lot closer than it was and her arm is next to mine on the table. "I don’t want to be alone, UBU."

She stands and I follow, her hard knees pushing against mine, her hands on my ears as she lifts my face to hers, my lips against her chin and then her mouth. I’ve kissed her before, way back in high school, but it still seems familiar as she tilts her head, her cool tongue snaking into my mouth . We descend together down on our knees and then topple over onto the plush carpet, the only sound the water slapping against the drain of the pool and our caresses and small cries. She pulls away and leans on one elbow, slipping the black strap of her bathing suit off her shoulder.

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Nuggets From the Magic Mountain

Some more nuggets excavated from Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain:

Her sex knows no pity or concern when staring at the horrors of passion, an elemental emotion with which the female is apparently much more familiar than the male, who is not at all at ease with it – and if she finds him in that state she never fails to greet him with mockery and schadenfreude.

At most, her smile and voice suggested the kind of excitement that comes when the first words in a long, silent relationship are spoken at last – a subtle excitement secretly incorporating into this one moment everything that has happened until now.

And there’s this, which was more prophetic than Mann knew:

“No!” Naphta continued. “The mystery and precept of our age is not liberation and development of the ego. What our age needs, what it demands, what it will create for itself, is – terror.”

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anglo-saxon riddle

Here’s my anglo-saxon style riddle, most appropriate for this time of year:
 
I lie in the gutter outside the house where once I was an honored guest.
 
 
What am I?
 
 
A christmas tree.
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memories

I have more memories than if I’d lived a thousand years!

 

A giant chest of drawers, stuffed to the full

With balance sheets, love letters, lawsuits, verse

Romances, locks of hair rolled in receipts,

Hides fewer secrets than my sullen skull.

 

– Charles Baudelaire

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Bethany: Part Nine

Bethany – Part Nine

 

Another part of that same process of enlightenment was the long overdue realization that conversation involved both talking and listening, and if I wanted to get to know a girl I wasn’t going to accomplish it by my former method of sitting there blabbing about myself. Rather than trying to impress Bethany with my wit and erudition, I now knew enough to try and impress upon her my very real interest in her, and I soon learned that despite having spent three years in such a small school together I knew next to nothing about her.

Everyone knew her father was, if only because his name was on the realtor sign in front of almost every house for sale in Fox Chapel. He was a prominent citizen of the suburb, but not quite of the first rank, being a little too brash and a little too Catholic for the prevailing WASP tastes, although the days when people who made a lot of money were seriously stigmatized for such things had passed. I had no idea, however, that before Pitt Prep she’d attended an institution called Saint Scholastica, or that she was the oldest of ten children. She also revealed to me a strata of activity I’d only been dimly aware of, a world of bake sales, of float making, of various harmless, mostly ceremonial Senior "pranks," all instigated by Bethany. There’d even been an all girl road trip to Western Reserve Academy in Hudson, Ohio in order to cheer the football team on. In my entire time at Pitt Prep I’d managed to avoid exhibiting any school spirit, so all this was foreign to me, and interesting in an anthropological sort of way.

But really impressed me was Bethany’s genuine enthusiasm, her energy, her ingenuity – and to what end? She wasn’t one of those camp followers (to whose ranks I bitterly included my crush Virginia) whose school spirit was just a displacement for their devotion to some jock – clearly despite all her spunk and spirit the lunkheads had never been able to see past her unprepossessing exterior.

No, all this passion was an essential part of her, a controlled lust for life, a committed engagement with all the proper available opportunities that I could only marvel at, a hunger for experience the extent of which was soon to surprise me. It was even reflected in how she ate her BLT with an honest appetite, a graceful middle ground between big Tina over there gobbling fistfuls of fries with both hands and anerexo Debbie next to her, idly stabbing the desiccated tomato in her salad as if it were her worst enemy.

Of course, new as I was to the two way conversation thing, the proceedings could occasionally take on the appearance of a cross examination, a fact not lost on Bethany. "So why are you all interested in this all of a sudden?"

"I don’t know. I guess I just figured out all I was missing." I didn’t think the whole enlightenment thing would play very well at the moment.

"Hmmmm…"

But there were relatively few wrinkles in the evening’s smooth unfolding, no long pauses or moments of disapproval or incomprehension. I was clearly getting better at getting along with people and Bethany had just as clearly always been a natural at it. And so time passed quickly, and we talked even after our plates, empty except for the ancient garnish, had been taken and the waitress tired of refilling our water glasses. Ever the traditionalist, Bethany made only a token protest when I picked up the check, and we walked out almost unobserved, most of out classmates having already moved on.

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Out Take

Heather – What?

Charlie – Well, it’s just…what happened in the cave, or what it seemed to me happened in the cave – I mean, was that real?

Heather –

Real? (Laughs) Who knows? No, seriously, Charlie, I’ll tell you how I think about it. Let’s say – let’s say when you’re asleep and you’re dreaming, right? And you wake up and you’re all scared and excited because of some dream that you’ve been having, and you wake up and you say whew, that wasn’t real, but you’re still sweating and everything and what you felt and thought was just the same as what you feel and think when you’re awake. So what’s the difference? Is what you feel in the real world any more real than what you feel while you were dreaming or high or whatever? It’s not the world that’s real, the only thing that’s real is what you feel, Charlie, and that’s all that’s real. Pain, fear, lust, ecstasy – sensation, that’s what Keith always said, sensation is god.

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