My 9/11 Conspiracy Theory
When 9/11 happened I was deeply immersed in the writing of my novel (you know, Snakes in Caves, the one that no publisher, agent or even close friend can bother to read). Snakes in Caves has esoteric elements, and researching it brought me in touch with the conspiracy community, more occult than political, i.e. underground alien bases, government sanctioned experimentation on humans in return for alien technology, the vast literature on secret societies, and the like. One of the reasons I have become so hugely successful in life is that I have always instinctively gone the opposite direction of the herd. I believe such contraries are necessary to society, even though society doesn’t seem to think so. Consequently, when everybody else was kneejerking in the immediate aftermath of the attacks, weeping in front of the T.V., thinking for a second that maybe being a soulless corporate brain eater wasn’t the bomb, or shaking a fist a saying we’re gonna smoke those bastards (as even a fellow contrarian friend of mine who came this close to converting to Islam last year did at the time), I thought, even before they did, what are the conspiracy nuts going to make of this? I like conspiracy thought, not because I necessarily believe it (although the average theory is at least at truthful as, say, Fox News), but because I dig the imaginativeness of it, the inventiveness of the nutty web they weave. Dali believed in the Paranoic/Critical method, wherein the artist looks at the world with the inventiveness of a paranoid but with the critical faculties of an intellectual, and in that spirit I came up with my own 9/11 conspiracy theory.
The first element in my tasty farrago is the M.O., the operating method of the terrorists which was suicide attack. Now that method was perfected and used most infamously by the man who inspired the term assassin, Hassan-i-Sabbah, the Old Man of the Mountain. He preferred to conduct diplomacy not with armies or statesman, but with small groups of fanatical followers who would sacrifice their own life in order to kill others in a way that advanced the Old Man’s geo-political interests. The modus operandi, then, of 9/11was clearly that of the Hashshashin, and the hand behind it was the Old Man’s. Being that he lived in the eleventh century I’m not saying that Hassan-i-Sabbah is still alive (though who knows), but that there is always an Old Man the same way there is always a Pope. But why would the Old Man do such a thing? In a way it was over the top for an Assassin project, way too indiscriminate for a group that prefers quiet, individual kills. They prefer to operate in the shadows and hate to bring any attention to themselves, much less the American firestorm that such an attack would surely bring. And that of course is the answer – who did the firestorm fall on, who did the finger point to, and how did that serve the Old Man’s interests? There must be some parable somewhere about stinging an elephant in the ass so he rushes forth to blindly crush your enemies.
Another constant in the Old Man story is drugs. Unlike many Moslems, his followers have always been free to use sense altering drugs for their purposes, most famously the Hashshashin’s namesake hashish, but also Opium, the fruit of the poppy, which so fills the coffers and numb Western minds. And at the turn of the Millennium the Old Man had a problem. The Taliban were primitive, fundamentalist Moslems, doctrinarily opposed to drugs and as they controlled Afghanistan they slowly eradicated the poppy fields responsible for a majority of the world’s junk. It’s certainly not mentioned by the West, but the Taliban were more effective in stamping out the opium trade than any force before or since. The Old Man was getting screwed in the wallet, and since his operation requires a lot of opulence, he had to do something. But rather than attack a fellow Moslem, especially one that was so well established and armed in such a dangerous place as Afghanistan he decided to goad a superpower into doing so. Who knows who the hijackers thought they were serving – the Old Man is the master of illusion and subterfuge – but in the end they sacrificed themselves for his ends.
That the Old Man’s plan worked perfectly is obvious. The Taliban were routed and the drug lords put back in their place. It’s another fact they don’t like to broadcast in the West, but the opium crop this year was a bumper one, perhaps the best ever. Just ask the local junky how much of the good stuff is out there on the streets. And even the recent resurgence of the Taliban has played out right – if the U.N. is to be believed they’re now much cooler about letting the growers do their thing in the areas they control. Win/Win for the Old Man, huh?
And that, class, is my 9/11 conspiracy theory. I’m not saying that I believe it but it’s pretty slick, ain’t it…and if the Old Man is reading this, don’t flip out – I’m easy to silence – if you send one of your boys over tell him he doesn’t have to bring a knife, just some of that private stash you keep around to simulate paradise…