Crime Beat: Families Are Special

 

Police: Woman mouthed ‘I love you’ as son strangled her

 

JOHNSTOWN, Pa. — A man has been ordered to stand trial on charges he killed his 85-year-old mother and hid her body on state game lands.

Authorities say 51-year-old Frederick Phillips Jr. strangled Anna Phillips in her home near Johnstown early last month because she threatened to tell his parole officer about his drinking. He was held for trial yesterday on murder and related crimes.

Upper Yoder Township Police Chief Walter Howell says Mr. Phillips said his mother mouthed "I love you" as he strangled her.

Chief Howell says Mr. Phillips prayed for his mother, then dumped her body on game lands near the border of Cambria and Westmoreland counties. Her body was found Oct. 19.

Mr. Phillips was arrested after he crashed his pickup in Buckhannon, W.Va.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Events Calendar: Surprise Ending

 

I didn’t see THAT coming…

 

MUSICAL: "ELLA MINNOW PEA"

7:30 p.m., Walgreen Drama Center, 1226 Murfin Ave. Workshop production of a Scott Burkell and Paul Losel musical that tells the story of a tiny fictional island nation whose claim to fame is being the former home of the man who created world’s most famous sentence that uses all the letters of the alphabet. SOLD OUT.

Posted in Culture | Leave a comment

Conspiracies & Brainwashing: The Epistle of Napoleon to the Dinosaurs by Deadman Switch

 

The "paranoic" world view is one that has always interested me, not because I necessarily believe in the various conspiracy theories, but because of its unique position in that liminal state on the border between reality and imagination. In this respect, the expressions of the paranoid are not very different from the emanations of an artist – both are trying to use their vision to bring significance to the apparent world, to read meaning in the smallest of finely observed details, to uncover some kind of higher truth in an attempt to create a comprehensible pattern out of what, let’s face it, gives every indication of being a chaotic and incoherent cosmos. There’s even an intriguing Gnostic side to it, the belief that this world is ordered by an overwhelming intelligence, a demiurge or two, even if sadly, these entities are malevolent. And besides, as the saying goes, maybe they really ARE out to get you.

Though I often poke fun at the more bizarre products of the new "Print on Demand" universe, I am also deeply grateful for some of the fringe literature it has made readily available. In the past a work such as Deadman Switch’s Conspiracies & Brainwashing: The Epistle of Napoleon to the Dinosaurs (OutskirtsPress.com) would perhaps have been mimeographed and distributed in the park by a wild eyed gentleman, or maybe written out in longhand and simply abandoned in a library carrel or men’s room, but thanks to the technology of today such epistles can be presented in a professionally printed, quite respectable looking volume, one that, while not available in every bookstore, can be had by any bookstore from their book distributor and by any consumer on line.

The thesis of Conspiracies & Brainwashing: The Epistle of Napoleon to the Dinosaurs (evidently the subtitle is presumed to be self evident, as it is never explained in the body of the work), is basically that there are three competing conspiracies, the Feds, the Nazis and the Mafia, who constantly struggle to hypnotize and enslave mankind. More interesting to me than Switch’s theoretical constructs are the rare glimpses of his own life, and the unique view of the world that has lead him to his theories:

Once I was in a room with two windows in the wall toward the public street. I saw an automobile traveling up the road in one of the windows. When it went behind the section of wall between the windows, I looked at the second window and watched for it to appear. It failed to appear. I went to the window and looked up and down the road and it had disappeared. The explanation is that I went under hypnosis during the few seconds that the automobile was between windows, and stayed under hypnosis long enough for it to travel up the road out of sight. Then I came back to normal consciousness and resumed what I had been doing without being aware of any interruption. There wasn’t any feeling of having been under hypnosis, just the disappearance to prove it.

Afterward the conspirator who owned the house kept the windows covered with Venetian blinds. This proves it was from hypnosis,

Of course this is a series of events that could haven "proven" any number of things to differently predisposed minds, but Mr. Switch’s interpretation is certainly creative, if nothing else. And how about his personal life?

One of my hypnotized relatives married a hypnotized person, and another relative had a friend whose parents were both hypnotized. Those marriages ended in divorce. I cannot remember having been married, but I have reason to believe that I was married to a hypnotized girl during the 1970’s.

Yeah, for various reasons that decade’s a blur for a lot of people. But the most startling personal revelation remains vague:

The fact that my death is a trigger for nuclear genocide has kept the conspirators from killing me for twenty years. Publication of this will probably trigger the nuclear war eventually even if I’m still alive, but I must refuse to explain why my death will trigger it because the explanation would trigger it immediately.

There’s also a section about the consumer products the Feds poison:

Someone gave me a code signal at the supermarket that paper towels are poisonous, but I don’t know whether they all are, or just the brand I ordinarily buy.

Then there are the one the Feds are content to perversely "mess with":

12. Beaters of electric mixers. Recently I’ve seen beaters of electric mixers made in an unconventional shape. The conventional shape is just as wide at the bottom as at the top. The no-good ones are narrower at the bottom than at the top…But I saw the no-good beaters after I started writing this, so if no one else has ever seen those no-good beaters, then the conspiracy was setting me up to look crazy.

According to Switch, the major ways the various conspiracies communicate is via coded messages contained in commercials TV shows and popular songs. His chapter decoding this information approaches dada poetry:

Sex

– dance, coffee, football, poker, poke, canoeing, key, picking pockets, wrestling.

Breasts – bees, tomatoes, cones, martini.

Sex Hypnosis by Nazis –

go, room (for murder), big, hope, KIM, time, John, Johnny, Paul, Gomer, Rambo, Jimbo, bimbo, Bojangles, MEG?, retro?, London?, hamer, hammer, rush?.

But unlike the playful dadaists, Switch is in deadly earnest. Salvador Dali invented a technique he called the "paranoic-critical method," in which seemingly illogical connections between things are made, but yet manipulated for best effect by the artist’s critical eye. Similarly, he also said "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." If that statement can be made about Deadman Switch, then we’re all in a lot of trouble:

A movie made 30 years ago says that they’ll kill everyone in my family after this is published. But it’s my responsibility to warn you about the nuclear war because no one else is going to. And this is a God-given opportunity to expose conspiracies and hypnosis. As for what’s going to happen to me; you’ve seen that movie too. But I’m not any crazier than nay other hypnotized person. When the atomic bombs explode, that will prove I was telling the truth and all of the experts who said I was crazy were lying. I expect the attack to occur during a recess of Congress within 40 days after they kill me.

 

Posted in Books | Leave a comment

The Visitor

 

She told me

What the undertaker

Had done to her

 

Wired her jaw

Reset her teeth

Severed the spine at

The base of the skull

 

She tilted it forward

And showed me

Inside her head

 

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment

Haunted House

haunted house

Haunted House

 

I’m out on the sidewalk, waiting in line to get into the haunted house, when some little kid pops his head over the railing and says hi. I say hi back and all of a sudden his mother starts shouting at me, accusing me of being Some kind of pervert! and yanks him away.

Stunned What was I supposed to do? I ask rhetorically to the people around me, one of whom I suddenly realize is Kathy L. I mean he said hi to me, I appeal to her, What was I supposed to do?

Just offer him some candy and take him for a car ride

she says in her sardonic way.

Gee, thanks for the advice, Kathy

, I say, gesturing broadly, quite accidently brushing against the bustline which so generously stretches her grey herringbone sweater and then quite on purpose sort of snagging my sleeve button on the wool above it.

She takes a step back, but doesn’t seem to mind, and in fact strikes up a friendly conversation which continues as we file into the old train station which the Jaycees have set up as a haunted house.

As we wind past the ticket booth I playfully punch her on the shoulder So, old girl, tell me, what have you been doing with the rest of your life?

Well, old boy, I guess you don’t know me well enough to have heard about the last time I died.

Oh, really

, I say, thoroughly taken aback.

Yeah, really. I’ve had some serious health problems. They barely brought me back last time.

Oh, come to think of it maybe I did hear something about that.

Quite naturally this puts a damper on things, but I’m determined not to let her get away and follow her through the turnstile. But you’re O.K. now, I hope.

Oh, yeah, she says, smiling. Either that or I’m one of the ghosts and she clutches my arm as the screams start from inside the tunnel.

 

Posted in From A hypnagogic Journal | Leave a comment

Crime Beat: The Family That Decays Together

 

Woman, 90, living with siblings’ bodies

EVANSTON, ILL. – A 90-year-old woman well-liked by her neighbors apparently has been living in a house with the bodies of three siblings, one of whom may have been dead since the early 1980s, police say.

Police Cmdr. Tom Guenther says the bodies were found Friday in Evanston, a Chicago suburb, after authorities were called by a senior advocate.

The woman was taken to a hospital for observation. Her identity was not released. The Cook County medical examiner’s office said Saturday that the people had died of natural causes, but it would not say how long they had been dead.

The office has identified the dead as Anita Bernstorff, who was born in 1910, Frank Bernstorff, who was born in 1920, and Elaine Bernstorff, who was born in 1916. Anita Bernstorff was last seen alive in May 2008, Frank Bernstorff in 2003 and Elaine Bernstorff in the early 1980’s, authorities said.

Neighbors described the woman as alert and aware, and said she enjoyed gardening and shared her plants with others.

 

Posted in Crime Beat | 2 Comments

THREE POEMS

 

THREE POEMS 

 

 

Ensouled

 

The first thought

A lacrosse mom

Wasted on sports and lawyers

A shadow puppet princess

Falling on the prison wall

 

 

Bone Frog

 

In a canoe pin

Peter Pan hat

How it becomes clear

In the parking lot

Of Target exactly

What’s waiting

At the

Vanishing

Point

 

 

She Waves

 

A gesture

At once parody

Of her position

As "Class Barbie"

And the strongest

Possible affirmation

Of it

 

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment

Department of Clarification

 

It has come to my attention that several comments concerning UBU have been made on another, far more obscure website. Therefore, in order to insure the widest possible audience for my responses, I present them in this forum.

 

Cousin Geoff writes:

Why does UBU hate on Mark Maynard so much? It’s certainly entertaining.

 

Dear Cuz,

Entertaining, indeed. But then is UBU ever anything less? The truth is that I have been entrusted by Mark’s therapist with the delicate task of making appropriately deflating comments whenever Mark’s megalomania threatens to become pathological rather than merely annoying, which, sad to say, is only too often.

 

Mark [Member] asks:

 And how’s your cite traffic, Ubu?

 

Dear Mark,

I assume that you, in you charmingly dyslexic way, are trying to make a veiled comment about the traffic citation I received approximately a year ago, which you have no doubt learned of through your contacts at the highest levels of government, including John Dingell and, you claim, the Pope. I have been absolutely transparent about my speeding violation, and although the speed limit at the location of my "bust" has since been raised to the level I was then traveling, I take full and complete responsibility for my careless actions of that night, and, what is more, have fully paid my debt to society. Therefore your clumsy attempts at blackmail and humiliation are doomed to failure. As for the identity of the passenger in my car, she is a private citizen, not (as has been rumored on various internet sites), the governor of either Michigan or Alaska, and as such is entitled to continued anonymity.

 

Always happy to relieve the public’s curiosity,

I remain

Yr Pal,

UBU

Posted in Cosmic Verities | Leave a comment

Advantage

 

Advantage

It takes a second for my eyes to adjust to the gloom of the bar, but there she is, the ever distinctive Heather, wedged in the corner behind a railing. Things are pretty much in full swing already and I have to fight my way to her through the crowd.

"Hey, Heather," I say. "Funny, but I never pictured you as a wallflower."

Her glance flickers over me before returning to the dance floor. "Whatever. I’m just not getting into this."

Most of the old crew’s out there, her former running mates, Tekla as polished as ever, looking like a newly revised edition of The Preppie Handbook in her plaid pants, short jacket and white turtleneck, while Kathy, on the other hand, with her severe hair cut, striped button down shirt and corduroys suggests nothing more than a dyke gym teacher, an impression strengthened by the arm she’s draped carelessly around Sallie, who, as usual, is dressed in an extremely fashionable way that’ll seem dated in a year or two.

"I don’t know," I say. "Looks like people are having fun to me."

"Hmmmm." Heather sways a little as she turns to face me, those great grey eyes blinking, and I can tell that she’s already pretty wasted. "You. What are you doing here anyway? You’re not our year."

"Ah, nothing. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I’d drop in and see what you crazy kids are up to."

"Hmmmm." She tips the glass to her lips before realizing it’s empty, then stares dowm, rattling the ice cubes. "Fuck. Buy a girl a drink, will you Charlie?"

"Sure thing, Heather."

"Vodka tonic." She stretches back to the rail, handing the glass out crookedly and I almost drop it. "Careful now."

The room’s even more packed and it’s an effort just to get across. Standing at the bar, waiting, a twenty between my fingers, I look back at Heather, and it’s strange to see her standing there, alone above the welter of the dance floor. Sure she had her moments of lassitude back in the day, but I remember her most vividly in motion, tearing down the hall, madly headed somewhere, or, indeed, dancing at a party. She was probably the best dancer I’ve ever seen off a stage – she’d do this move she called the jump back jack, which would leave us all literally openmouthed.

But she’s not dancing now, and in fact there’s something disconcerting about her stiff posture, stolid and immobile as the indirect bar light crosshatches over the fixed curves of her body. It’s not that she doesn’t look great in her black tank top and patterned skirt an inch shorter than anyone else’s, those still breathtaking legs shimmering in black stockings – buy yet – there’s a time when a girl like Heather’s clothes can’t be too tight and a time when some things are better left to the imagination.

I weave my way back through the buzzing swarm, holding the drink protectively over my head.

"Finally." Heather immediately takes a long sip as a new song starts, another oldie from someone’s attempt to create a nostalgic soundtrack. "Disco," she snorts. "Like we ever listened to disco."

The vodka and tonic soon disappears, followed by several others, and I seem to spend as much time making my way to and from the bar as I do with Heather. She’d always been something of a party girl, but what she’s doing tonight doesn’t seem much like partying.

Eventually things calm down a little and people start circulating, a few of them finding their way to a glowering Heather, and soon, no doubt, regretting it.

"I’m so sick of this bullshit," she says as the latest turns away. "I am so out of here." She suddenly lurches for the door, stumbling almost immediately.

"Whoa there, Heather. Watch yourself," I say, stepping in front of her. "Don’t you think it would be a good idea if maybe I gave you a ride home?"

"Yeah, maybe." She squints at the smoke obscured exit sign. "At least give me a hand."

I take her elbow and half-steer, half-support her past the knots of people, some of whom call out to her.

"Yeah, all right, I guess that ride thing’ll probably work," she says when we finally reach the sidewalk. "Just don’t go taking advantage of me, O.K.?"

"Sure thing, Heather," I say, then add in my pallid Jimmy Stewart imitation "There are rules about that."

"Yeah, you were always kind of a pussy about it, weren’t you?" She laughs, holding on to the car door with both hands when I open it.

Even after I’m in the driver’s seat turned the key she still hasn’t gotten in. "Heather?"

"Yeah, yeah." She sort of pivots, squirming her way onto the seat, her tight skirt riding up to the top of her stockings.

"Heather, the door."

"All right, all right, give me a chance, will you?" She leans out unsteadily and slams it shut. "Jesus, Charlie, chill out."

"You still live on Hickory Hill?"

"Yeah, oh yeah." She works her finger through a hole in the upholstery. "Nice ride, dude."

"Hey, it’s getting you home." We’re out over the bridge and into the suburbs soon enough, no streetlights, the regular lines of trees on both sides flickering past like frames in a silent movie. "Pretty lame reunion, huh?"

"No shit." She lays her cheek on the window, eyes rolled up to the dark sky, humming softly.

We continue on in silence until I pull into the driveway. "So." She hasn’t moved, seemingly unaware that we’ve stopped. "You need a hand?"

"Yeah, for real, that sucked. And you know the thing is…" She lifts her head to look at me, leaving a smear of make up on the glass. "They were just so old, you know? Everybody was so fucking old."

We sit there, Heather swaying as if the car was still moving.

"You know what?" she says finally. "I changed my mind. Please do."

"Do what?"

"Take advantage of me."

 

Posted in From A hypnagogic Journal | Leave a comment

Crime Beat: Everybody Was Cricket Fighting

 

Officer Tang Jun, quoted in the Shanghai Daily on police smashing a major cricket-fighting ring and netting a big time trainer: "Lin was famous among cricket fanciers. If Lin teased a cricket he could make it angry enough to beat even a stronger opponent. Lin was Shanghai’s No. 1 cricket teaser."

 

Posted in Crime Beat | Leave a comment