Ah, the morning paper! For as long as I can remember it’s been a part of my life, and the few times that it hasn’t been delivered or I’ve been in an uncivilized place that doesn’t provide one I’ve been at a lost at how to start my day without it and a strong cup of tea. I suppose I appreciate it even more now that print journalism is going the way of the Great Auk and the Dodo. A world that relies on news from the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Mark Maynard is one in which UBU himself would crave extinction.

One of the glories of the paper is its ability to raise one’s blood pressure to the level necessary to insure a proper flow to the brain. There were several items that I wanted to respond to in today’s Detroit Free Press, and , with the reader’s indulgence I shall proceed do so.

The first is an article about a book that the frequent UBUite will know that I have personal knowledge of, having been fortunate enough to be present at its colossal world kickoff in what, it is said, is the finest bookstore in that world. The book is A Slaying in the Suburbs: The Tara Grant Murder by Steve Miller and Andrea Billups and the title of the article is Hackel criticizes book on murder: It lashes out about Grant case, he says. In it Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel claims his less than flattering portrayal in the book is the result of his refusal to grant an interview with the authors. First let me say that I spent an enjoyable evening with said authors (who Hackel obviously has never met) and found them to be responsible, very intelligent and compassionate journalists, hardly the type to "lash out" mindlessly at someone in revenge for not cooperating. I have also read the book, which I found to be a thorough, well written and meticulously researched account of the case. It’s not "lashing out," but damning fact that while executing the search warrant that revealed Tara Grant’s severed torso in a Rubbermaid container, Sheriff Hackel’s men allowed murderer Stephen Grant to simply wander away from the crime scene, thus beginning his flight from justice. Similarly Barney Fife is the fact that while under "intermittent surveillance" prime suspect Grant was able to schlep various body parts to and from various hiding place undetected. Hackel’s unfine whine is akin to your kid telling you they failed the test they didn’t study for because the teacher didn’t like them. I’ve long had a problem with the way that even good true crime authors like Ann Rule tend to make all the victims and their families angels and the involved lawmen equally perfect. Nobody’s perfect (not even, I’m sorry to reveal, UBU) and I thought it was a great strength of A Slaying in the Suburbs that the victim and her sister were portrayed as believable humans, warts and all, and both the mistakes and the successes of the Sheriff and his posse were delineated. I’m sure media whore Hackel’s outburst will only sell more copies of this fine book.

Next on my list is the so called "Kid Rock," though he is certainly neither a kid nor rock. Perhaps "Greasy Creep Country Rapper" would be a more appropriate moniker, although I will use his birth name Robert James Ritchie. Richie has also lashed out at someone with the temerity to criticize his wonderful self, in his case (literally) the judge who sentenced him after his heroic scuffle in an Atlanta Waffle House. Consigned to 80 hours of community service, Richie is annoyed that the judge won’t give him credit for something he was going to do anyway, give concerts for the troops in Iraq. How giving a concert would be punishment remains unexplained – who does he think he is, Keith Richards? Instead of making any kind of sense, Ritchie, noted for his moronic conservative opinions, chooses instead to practice character assassination on the judge (not a good idea in UBU’s mind) suggesting that "if he’s so badass" he should go over and practice law in Iraq. That nonsensical nature of this statement (Law? Iraq? Didn’t the exuberance of freedom do away with that?) rivals that of his fellow moron Sarah Palin, but it also reveals the pathological right wing obsession with toughness and being hard, in the conservative mind qualities best expressed by sending our young men overseas to kill the inhabitants of other countries on flimsy pretexts. Rock on! Ritchie further states in his proudly ignorant fashion: "There ain’t no bigger community service than going to play in front of soldiers who protect the freedom for you to put your camera on me right now." Perhaps he can tell the world of a totalitarian state where filming ultra-nationalistic two bit performers is outlawed – certainly it isn’t in the Middle East – but what I’d really like to know is how the insurgents in Iraq threaten our freedom of speech. The apologists for the war in Iraq, even the most disingenuous, didn’t mention anyone there planning to take over our country in order to void the Bill of Rights. No, that document was most imperilled by those very apologists in the Bush regime who decided it didn’t pertain to those who disagreed with them. My advice to you, Kid Idiot, is to get out there and start picking up some trash, and don’t forget to put on your orange vest in case a fellow miscreant attempts to pick YOU up and put you where you belong.

My next item is along the same lines – the permanent retardation of the conservative mind. Already the right seems to have conveniently forgotten that their darling of seven and a half years, George Bush, along with his Congressional Republican punks, governed the country in complete accord with conservative principles, the application of which led to complete failure. They had their chance to run things their way, so, try as they might, there’s no blaming the current disasters on the Democrats. Yet many firmly cling to the wheel of the Titanic, trying to force it ever rightward. The latest ploy of these knuckleheads is to use the very nonsensical "logic" that shipwrecked our republic to criticize Barack Obama. Witness this letter by one John L. Lengemann, the George F. Will of Imlay City, Michigan, "gateway to the Thumb," who took time from the feverish preparations for the blueberry festival to share his thoughts on the nomination of Leon Panetta for director of the CIA. In Mr. Lengemann’s mind those darn liberals don’t seem to understand that we’re in a cosmic struggle against the Islamic terrorists who seek to deprive of us the pleasure of watching Kid Rock share his opinions, and what we need now in the CIA is a guy firmly entrenched in the so-called intelligence community. You know, somebody like George Tenet, the intelligence gatherer lauded by George Bush who failed to pick up on the 9/11 attacks or the fact that there were no WMD’s in Iraq – that’s the kind of guy. The lessons of the past mean nothing to the committed fanatic, but even in that Lengemann misses the point. The problem with the CIA that Panetta will address is not the incredible intelligence lapses but the human rights violations, the torture and rendition, the absolute flouting of all national and international standards by an agency that, emboldened by a cowboy regime, held itself accountable to no one. This is the America you conservatives claim to love so much, and we stand for something more than a flag pin. The era of an attempted one party system, wars without cause and torture is over. You better get on the bus or be trash on the side of the road.

And here’s my favorite image from today’s edition, quickly UBUized for your protection!