From Her Honor Mayor of Ypsilanti

Posted on September 18, 2007 by ubu507

Hello Neighbor!

I stopped by your house to discuss an important matter of great interest to our city with you today, but you weren’t home, so I’m leaving this letter at your domicile to explain the import of said matter in lieu of personal contact with you. You may not know it but my name is Mary Lou Duden and I am the mayor of Ypsilanti. As you also may or may not know our fair city is in deep financial straits thanks to the ill-advised actions of my immediate predecessor as mayor. Such efforts as a circumcision of the water tower, a mayoral Cadillac with spinning wheels and other accouterments more fitting for the conveyance of a rapping musician than the executive leader of a Midwestern metropolis, the so called "crack mansion," the acquisition of solid gold Ypsipanties for the entire city Council and many such follies have led us to this dead-end road of no return.

Unfortunately, in order to solve our current fiscal crisis we must undertake actions that may be painful for the average hard-working citizen of Ypsilanti, be they factory worker, panty manufacturer, human resource coordinator for the adult entertainment industry, controlled substance purveyor or party store employee. The word tax is not one that I as a professional politician enjoy employing when speaking to the public, but it is the only one, except perhaps for winning the lottery or striking oil on Cross Street that could relieve our city’s current distress. A graduated income and entertainment tax is being presented to the public for a referendum on the upcoming ballot Thursday, September 31. I hope I can count on your support for this referendum for the following reasons which I will elucidate clearly and distinctly, with as little of the hot air and verbiage which many in my position are accused of inflicting upon the public without conscience in endlessly repeating themselves and elaborating their comments with no surcease, as if intoxicated by the sound of their own voice until they wear out their welcome. That person is not I.

The term income tax is not difficult to understand. Simply put, if you earn any money by means legal or illegal, from wages or money paid for copper pipe stripped from decaying buildings, you must give a large percentage of said money to city hall, much the same way as a professional escort will tender a portion of her earnings to her protector. The city acts in much the same way as the proverbial "pimp" – if you choose to give us this money we will protect you from predators, fire and chemical attack, however if you withhold this money or "hold out on us" we may be forced to "mess you up" either by the direct action of the police force or by withholding city services such as the fire or sewer department.

There’s so many good things about our city that I would hate to see it get burned down. Wonderful things like Ypsipanties and the Shadow Art Fair would literally go up in smoke. Fine venues like the Déja Vu lounge would not be as popular if they were merely a heap of smoking ashes. Even a soulless behemoth as our evil twin Ann Arbor would be bereft without Ypsilanti’s fine adult entertainment and pharmaceutical advantages.

I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity to speak frankly and warmly with you my beloved constituent. Please consider voting positively for this measure or else consider the alternative which will befall you, your children and any domestic animals you may own.

Sincerely,

Her Honor and Your Mayor,

Mary Lou Duden 

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Quote Bag: Entente

Posted on September 15, 2007 by ubu507

Being other than normal is a perilous advantage.

– Natalie Clifford Barney

 

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

– Pascal

 

The highest problem of art is to produce by appearance the illusion of higher reality.

– Goethe

 

…when he assembles a Gomorrah of inscrutable and depraved young girls, when he denounces an entente, a collectivity, a frenzy of bad angels…

– Colette

 

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Crime Beat: It Happens

Posted on September 14, 2007 by ubu507

CRIME BEAT

 

It Happens

Jennifer Kukla turned to look at her sobbing sister, shrugged and mouthed, "It happens."

That was the 30-year-old Macomb Township woman’s reaction Wednesday to learning she is to spend the rest of her life in prison for slitting the throats of her two young daughters.

– Amber Hunt

 

Soul Love

The apology came too late from a man who set his pet dog on fire and left it to burn as he walked to a Detroit corner store last month.

Wayne County Circuit Judge David Groner struggled to come to grips with the case Wednesday before sentencing John Delmar Fladger to 23 months to 4 years in prison.

"This case shocks the conscience," Groner said. "This case is something I’ve never seen before."

Fladger, 52, who served prison time for an armed robbery conviction, said he was sorry. But he offered no explanation.

"I’m very remorseful about what happened and my soul love for dogs is great," Fladger said.

– Ben Schmitt

 

He Lost His Head

The body of a 43-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself, police said.

The man, from Melvindale, was discovered Monday by workers from a shopping center near his home.

Allan Park Deputy Police Chief Dale Covert said the roughly 6-foot-tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Covert said police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device.

"I can’t even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man was obviously very determined to end his life."

 

Dumb as a Rock?

Pittsfield Township Police said two men attempted to break-in to a convenience store by using a rock until one of them was injured early Sunday morning.

Dispatchers received a call from a witness who saw two men throwing a rock at the window of the Golfside Market at 2642 Golfside Road shortly after 4 a.m., said Lt. Steve Heller.

The windows were protected by a metal fence and did not break. The would-be burglars then tried to smash the padlock securing the fence with the rock, until one of the men was struck in the hands, the witness told police.

Officers found a bloody trail that led to the nearby Greenway Apartments, but could not locate the men, police said. 

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Tow Truck

Posted on September 12, 2007 by ubu507

 

Tow Truck

So here I am, in Miami of all places, sitting in a tow truck across from Heather’s house. It says Art’s Towing on the truck’s door, but that’s not really true because it belongs to my friend Keith, the guy who was supplying Art with all the drugs he was eventually unable to afford, and who took it from him in order to settle that not inconsiderable debt.

Actually, Keith probably came out behind on the deal, but god knows he can afford it, and at the time he thought it would be kind of funny to have a tow truck around. I’m sitting in it because one night a couple of weeks ago Keith borrowed my old Taurus after sampling a little too much of his own product and wrecked it, and when I got this sudden urge to see Heather I guilt tripped him into letting me take the truck which was, after all, just rusting there in the driveway, the joke gone stale.

The sudden urge part is a little harder to explain. It was more like I suddenly felt a call, felt that I had to come down and see Heather, see how she was, where she lived, what her old man looked like and, yes, I know as well as anyone how crazy that sounds, how stupid and pointless and probably illegal, but what can I say, I’m here and it doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere soon.

Presumably she’s home – there’s a light on and a car in the driveway, but I’m on the other side of a median and four lanes of traffic, so I can’t really see much. I’ve been out here a couple of hours and it’s hot and sticky and, frankly, a little boring. There’s a couple of dirty books with the covers ripped off wedged between the cushions, but I’m feeling weird enough about the whole thing without resorting to Art’s second hand porn, so I just keep looking over at Heather’s house. It’s a ranch house, nothing elaborate, but, given the property values around here, it’s got to be pretty valuable. Before I left I taped a postcard of a Gauguin painting to the dash because the woman in it reminds me of Heather, not just her broad nose and thick lips, but the way she’s standing there, so naturally, half naked and insouciant, staring right back at you, and I look at that every so often when I get tired of the house.

It been getting darker, but all of a sudden it starts to rain, one of those wild Florida showers, with warm, huge rain drops, falling ropes of water, and after all this time in this grimy tow truck I wish I could just run out there and wash off all the crud and sweat, but I know that would really be crazy, so I just roll up the windows and lean over, trying to squint through.

Then the door of the house opens and Heather comes out, wearing one of those preppie yellow rain slickers. Even though I can hardly see I know it’s her by the way she moves, her reckless grace as she goes to the car in the driveway and gets in. I automatically fire up the truck, ready to follow her, but her headlights dim suspiciously, and it’s clear after a minute that the car’s not going to start. She wrenches open the door and stands there, arms crossed in that familiar pose of exasperation, looking around and then stops, glaring directly at me. I think for a second that somehow she’s recognized me, but then I realize – I’m in a tow truck and her car won’t start.

As she starts trotting across the highway I pull down my Steelers hat and put on Keith’s Ray-bans, as if they’d really disguise me. It would make things easier if I just took off, but I can’t do it, not when Heather’s out there stranded in the rain and I’m finally going to see her again. She taps on the window and I pretend to be startled, lowering it a crack. Excuse me she says, her tan face blooming inside the yellow hood. Excuse me, but my car won’t start. Could you please give me a jump?

Uh, sure, no problem I say gruffly in what I imagine is a tow truck driver’s voice. Get in.

She opens the door and swings in, the same old Heather, ignoring the hamburger wrappers and empty Coke cans, concentrating on the task at hand. I’m right over there, across the street.

O.K.

I say and pull out, turfing over the embankment and curving back to her driveway. I know the moment she recognizes me, the exhalation as her sideways glance turns into an incredulous stare, then the little sigh as she leans back, shaking her head.

There’s silence as we jerk to a stop. So, Charlie, she says finally, You want to tell me what the hell you’re doing parked across from my house in a tow truck?

Well,

I say, I can explain the tow truck part….

Yeah, whatever.

She folds her arms again. Let’s just get the damn car started. 

 

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The Triumph of the BookFest

Posted on September 11, 2007 by ubu507

Wow – yesterday I was too wiped to type, but I’m glad to say the Fifth Annual Kerrytown BookFest went off very well. Attendance was good, steady and plenty, the weather started dicey but turned beautiful, and the tents weren’t big enough to hold the overflowing crowds for the author panels and children’s activities. Woo hoo.

One thing that really chuffed me was that the Ann Arbor News featured us prominently in the calendar and book events listings on Sunday and had photos of the events on Monday. Dag, it made me feel like Mark Maynard for a second. (Minus the Ypstipanties, although I love that Ypsipanties – not for women only ad where he says "I didn’t just invent Ypsipanties – I wear them around the house." But that’s got to be a butt double on the close up.)

I was also very pleased that when I talked to the book sellers they seemed to love the event and feel very invested in it, that it’s an event celebrating the book community that they want to support. At most book shows the vendors start tearing down and heading home at least a half an hour before the putative closing time, but everybody at the Fest stayed to five and beyond, not only because people were still there and buying, but simply because they were having fun and hanging with their peers. Of course that meant that myself and the tear down crew had to stay a little later, but we, the few, the proud, the extremely sore and sweaty, didn’t mind. Kudos to my protesting progeny, their friends, brother John Morgan, my soul sister Jeanne Joesten, and her son Nathan for their brave rearguard activity.

One of the many infamous comments made by the Drum Majorette selected to head the first edition of the other Festival five years ago was This is not about selling books, which, as you might imagine, did not endear her or her production to booksellers, authors, publishers or pretty much anyone else who works on a for profit basis. Well, the Kerrytown BookFest is about selling books, and we’re proud of it. But it’s also about making books, writing books, reading books, collecting books and all varieties of bibliomania, not to mention fish printing, and I’m proud to be a small cog in it.

Rest assured that normal (i.e. abnormal) artistic UBUtivity will return tomorrow.

Love Ya,

Yr Pal,

UBU 

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Final Fest Drumbeat

Posted on September 8, 2007 by ubu507

Hey, I’m working on a steaming slice of Hypnagogic Journal for you all, but it still needs a little icing, so I’ll I just beat the drum for the 5th Annual Kerrytown Book Fest.

http://kerrytownbookfest.org/

Thanks to my wife I’ve had a first hand look at the struggle it takes to put something like this on, especially when it’s done, as Dr, Johnson said in his memorable introduction to the first dictionary, with:

…little assistance of the learned, and without any patronage of the great; not in the soft obscurities of retirement or under the shelter of academic bowers, but amidst inconvenience and distraction, in sickness and sorrow.

And to this you can add the neglect of the myopic media and the sneers of the ypsipantied hipsters of this world. So here’s to Robin, the Hollanders, Gene, Bill, Jamie L., and everybody else who worked hard to make the Fest the smash hit I know it’s going to be tomorrow. 

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The Proliferation of the P.O.D. People!

Posted on September 7, 2007 by ubu507

Help! The proliferation of the P.O.D. (Print on demand) people is becoming alarming! The trend seems to be that more people are writing books and fewer people are reading them, which, taken to its logical conclusion, is going to be hard on the book industry, except for the vanity publishers who profit from humanity’s seemingly endless (and generally hopeless) desire to be famous authors. Here’s the UBU monthly rundown of the choicest titles from very, very small publishers and self-publishers. Looking at this list makes one thing clear – Jesus is evidently inspiring a lot of people to self-publish really weird books that nobody will ever read – but I’m sure he has his reasons! These descriptions are provided by the authors and/or publishers:

Apocalypse Fire

The Great Tribulation and Wrath of God

Michael D. Fortner

With exceptional insight and the ability to figure things out, Fortner has written an astonishing new interpretation of Bible prophecy. He shows that there is an asteroid headed for Earth that is named in the Bible. Its impact with Earth in 2036 will be the trigger that begins World War III. 344 pp. (Christian) Great Plains Press

 

Bubba Goes to Alabama

Kenneth David Mobley

On the eighth day God created Bubba, whose prayers are answered when on the ninth day God creates Lucy. Ultimately, Bubba is fast-for-warded into the future to Alabama, where he is befuddled by motorized vehicles, television sets, modern man’s fascination with sports – and the fact that people there seem to only look for God on one day out of the week. 220 pp. (Fiction) Thomas Max Publishing

 

Divine Thoughts

Jo L. Harris

Creatively intertwining her strong Christian faith, her paramedical professional background, and her love for the literary arts, this first-time author has successfully woven an interesting and engaging tapestry of commentary about the spiritual significance of the DNA code and how it relates to the concepts of self-worth and personal fulfillment. 132 pp. (Practical Life) Xulon Press

 

Jesus’ Diet for All the World

Gene Wall Cole

Edmund Bordeaux Szekely’s amazing diet found deep within the Vatican vaults is the subject of this work by Cole – a must-read for those who are looking for real solutions to diet and health issues. 180 pp. (Diet/Health/Fitness) Awakening Imagi-NATION

 

The Rich Hiker’s Guide to Walking with God

Paul Krautmann

This inspiring and informative guide starts by looking at the basic attitude and approach Christians are to have in their walk with God, and examines a number of pitfalls and potholes. Krautmann also provides some guidelines for spiritual foot care. 216 pp. Xulon Press

 

And here’s my nomination for the most scintillating product description:

The Danville Diaries, Volume IV

Warren B. Dahk Knox

The author examines 1862 and 1863, a time of horrendously bloody conflict that resulted in two parts of the nation sacrificying (sic) its finest sons without the prospect of any acceptable indemnifications from the victor. 408 pp. (Military History) Black Forest Press

 

This wins best title, hands down:

Some Chemicals That Cause Tumors of the Kidney or Urinary Bladder in Rodents and Some Other Substances, 1st Ed.

 

Finally, let’s hear it for Xulon Press, the Christian Vanity Press (wait a minute, isn’t that a deadly sin?) for bringing us two of today’s entries, God bless ‘em.

 

Yr Pal,

UBU

 

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Reply to the mighty Maynard

Posted on September 6, 2007 by ubu507

O.K., so on Markmaynard.com he posted an announcement of the upcoming Winter Shadow Art Fair and I made this comment:

Mark — shouldn’t you tag this as "shadow art fair"? You have zero entries for that topic. Not that you need the publicity — I’m sure the Ann Arbor News will cover it like the Moon landing again, no matter how many times you have it a year. Have you thought of maybe going weekly? Shadows happen every day you know.

To which he, rather more snarkily than necessary, replied:

 

My fantasy is that every Ann Arbor store owner is as pissed off as you are, Ubu, over the fact that the News sends a reporter out to Ypsi two times a year to cover the Shadow Art Fair. It really gets under your skin, doesn’t it?

My reply was:

Wow, you have such a rich fantasy life…

Which, you gotta admit, isn’t a bad snappy comeback. But I will amplify here on RADIOFREEUBU, free from the sniping of the Ypsilanti Blog god’s dittoheads and secure in the knowledge that the czar of the Ypsipanty never lowers himself to read the blogs of a mere UBU and say what I was going to say but held back to avoid needless rancor:

What really pisses me off is that the Kerrytown BookFest, an event that has three times as many exhibitors and three times the attendance of the Shadow art fair gets a third of the coverage, when all a Ann Arbor News reporter would have to do is walk down the street. Maybe that will change this year….

There, I said it and I feel better. I’ve got nothing against the Shadow Art Fair of Ypsilanti. I’m sure it’s desperately hip and all, and it has a great hook in trading on the name of The Ann Arbor Art Fair, but, really, in my ever humble opinion, the Kerrytown Bookfest deserves at least as much ink.

So don’t forget to come to the Kerrytown BookFest Sunday 11-5

 http://kerrytownbookfest.org/

STELLA will be there so you know it’s cool!

 

 

 

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Come to the Kerrytown BookFest!

Posted on September 5, 2007 by ubu507

I’m going to lead with this statement COME TO THE KERRYTOWN BOOKFEST!!!

http://kerrytownbookfest.org/

Sunday, September 9 11- a.m. to 5 p.m. At the Ann Arbor Farmer’s Market. There will be 130plus exhibitors, including booksellers, artisans, authors, book art demonstrators, librarians, etc., as well as a full slate of author panels, children’s activities and other bookish stuff. I won’t mention the workshops at the unique Hollander’s school because they’re already full, but if you want to help me, the rest of the organizers and a crew of bohemian young ladies and gents move the tables at five I’d appreciate it because the boy scouts crapped out on us!

 

I was actually going to write a tell all article about the Kerrytown Bookfest and the Ann Arbor Book Festival (not affiliated), exposing the backstage dirt and origins of both of them. But guess what, I’m not. I guess it’s because the Ann Arbor News has finally deigned to admit that the Kerrytown Bookfest exists and is a vibrant success. Last time we asked them to write an article about it they said Why? We covered it last year. But I’ll cut off that rant right there because they actually had a feature in the paper Sunday. I guess we’ll see if they have a follow up, but that could be too much to ask for one year. I mean it’s not like we’re the Ypsilanti Shadow Art Fair or anything.

Our store first got involved with the BookFest because Gene Alloway, a founder, owner of Motte and Bailey, and one of the nicest guys in a business which is filled with a lot of, uh, eccentrics, asked me to. Pretty much all of the independent bookstores in town (except for the one that was running it) had had a bad experience with the Ann Arbor Book Festival, so there was a little spite factor involved. But when we got there spite was left in the dust. There’s just such a good, positive feeling about the Fest, a vibe if you will, and we felt it right away. It’s like the best of Ann Arbor, communal, informal and driven by a passion for books and ideas, and all our favorite people were there with smiles on their faces. As professional book event presenters we saw the author panels were the one part that didn’t work. There was no direction from the moderator, and, as a seat filler, trying to make it look like there was somebody in the crowd, I sat there in a big, hot tent, listening to a few local authors gripe about how tough it is to be published. I went back to our table and said to my wife that they should just eliminate the author events, but she had a gleam in her eye and said No, they should just make them better. A few years later there I was, moderating a panel with the nationally syndicated comic authors Jeff Mallett of Frazz and Dave Coverly of Speed Bumps in front of a SRO crowd that filled the tent and spilled out all around.

We’re not really a book show type shop – we’re more set up for rabid readers than rabid collectors and the Fest is now the only show we do, not for money, because we like it. (Though we will deign to take your money if your so inclined. This is about selling books after all.) Gene came up to me at a library book sale and asked if I wanted to be on the board a while ago, and like the true committee-phobe that I am I offered up my wife in my place. It’s been both inspiring and a little depressing to watch her and the rest of the gang struggle to get the thing going in the face of the financial neglect of the high and mighty and the silence of some portions of the media, but they’ve pulled it off to increasing attendance and participation each year. There’s some great panels and great authors like Loren D. Estleman, Elizabeth Kostova, Eric Villegas, and my own panel Midwest Noir with a bunch of up and coming newer writers whose books I really dig: Marcus Sakey, Sean Chercover, Steven Sidor and Mitchell Bartoy.

The day itself is simply magic, and if you have any sense you’ll be there. This year also marks the return of Gregory D. Anthony OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER, so if you come you can be immortalized by this shutterbug legend….  

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From the Principal’s Office

Posted on September 4, 2007 by ubu507

September, 04 07

Dear Hoover students,

It is my honor and privilege to serve you and your families this year as the new principal of East Ypsilanti Herbert Hoover high school. Hoover is rich in tradition and fame as one of the most extremely talented, committed, and brave group of students in the greater Ypsilanti Metropolitan high school school district. The school has an enormous number of extremely fantastic programs available to students as well as classes in many subjects. In addition, as well as the academic portion of the day Hoover is also known for many of the schools and students extracurricular activities, known both statewide, citywide and nationally as seen on shows such as COPS Ypsilanti, America’s Funniest Home Schoolings and the 48 hours show program very special episode Crack Epidemic In Our Schools.

I have been involved in the educational process for over 14 years, the last 16 months as an educator myself, and if there’s one thing I have learned about schools and schooling, it is that attitude should be at the forefront of every endeavor that one makes in the academic field of endeavor. For without attitude we do not know where it, at, you or dude is at. You young people will find that I am a very hands on principal with a lot of attitude, and hands-on approach to dealing with the assets of young people. My door will always be open, even after Mr. Costello replaces it. By the way if anyone knows what happened to it this summer please see me at any time, no questions asked.

After meeting and talking with many of our staff and security team, it is obvious that everyone from the cafeteria lunch ladies to the brave men who man the metal detectors are concerned about their own well-being as well as that of the students. Our purpose here this year centers around achievement, achieving the success of making it through one more day, achieving the success of achieving class attendance at least weekly, or achieving the success of achieving an achievement in football or other competitive sports or endeavors of a physical nature. We must ask ourselves this question – are we achieving it?

We need to work together to achieve the achievements that we can achieve. Students should attempt to attend school, and not only attend school but attend it in the classroom if they are scheduled to attend. They must present themselves well, to behave respectfully to others around them, and be willing to do whatever their principal asks of them, no demands of them, no matter how strange and unfamiliar it may appear to be. I truly believe that failure is not an option, so do not worry about failing your classes as long as you are willing to cooperate in the spirit of school spirit in order to enrich and support those administrators who want more enrichment.

It will be a priority of the teachers and me to communicate effectively and involve you in the activities that they and I attempt to go through within the course of our working life. Please remember that although your input is valued to the utmost it is only through your complete and total co-operation that Hoover can achieve new levels of valuation, emancipation and remuneration.

Although, as your new principal, I will spend be spending great amounts of time in Las Vegas and Hawaii researching their methods of education and an equally great amounts of time researching job opportunities outside of the city of Ypsilanti, you may rest assured that I will look forward to meeting the most mature of you in the proper forum.

Sincerely,

Witt D’Michael

Principal 

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