New Year’s

New Year’s

New Year’s eve at Nietzsche’s – eternal recurrence, right? Same as every year, a party with a life of its own. Even that time Nietzsche was in Morocco everybody came to his house anyway, parking on the lawn, getting wasted in their cars and honking their horns at midnight.

Same slowly revolving cast of characters, too, with few significant additions or subtractions. These days there’s more champagne and wine than beer and peppermint schnapps, not to mention fewer drugs, but still that ever present blue haze hangs, fuzzing the boundary between the years – so are we teenagers acting like grown ups, or grown ups acting like teenagers , who knows? Probably both.

Everybody’s here or has been or will be – even the people who left town are back visiting family. Of course I don’t see Virginia not around when I walk in. It’s like clockwork, either she’s gone by the time I get somewhere or she arrives right after I take off – good timing was never our strong suit – but it’s just as well. We broke up at New Year’s – what? can it be? – five years ago, but I still can’t say I’ve learned to enjoy the sight of her walking off with another guy. If she’s out of here already, the lucky one must have been quite the catch, that law school lad home for the holidays, perhaps? Have fun, kids!

And then there’s Heather – for some time she’s been the major attraction, my belle of the ball, but lately she’s turned away, gracefully deflecting my attention – there was even that messed up moment last month when she told me that we know each other too well, but isn’t it that we know each other well enough, as well as we want to, anyway. I mean, yeah, granted, only a dead man could fail to be turned on by Heather, but right now, as I watch her dancing, I can’t help thinking I’ve seen all these moves before.

No doubt that’s sour grapes on my part. She’s the one who first pulled away, subtly pointing me toward other women, pimping me you might say, like last year when she offhandedly happened to mention out that Kathy was clearly on one of her “vacations” from high school honey Bobby, those periodic breaks they’d take from their long running relationship when they’d both sleep around like two college kids on spring break before, inevitably, getting back together.

It wasn’t hard to position myself as Kathy’s next destination by simple proximity, and we certainly lived it up until our expiration date. I’m still not sure how the whole thing worked – it didn’t seem like there was actually a fixed time frame or anything. Although liberated woman Kathy would never admit it, I think our sudden parting was very closely coincident with the moment Bobby crooked his little finger her way again.

It still stings because, even though Kathy’s far from the person I’d like to spend my life with (i.e. Virginia), I wouldn’t have minded enjoying her pneumatic charms a little longer, and now she and Bobby are standing there, whispering conspiratorially, smirking at me and everyone else here that either of them has slept with, which is probably the majority.

And as I look around I start to think that the older you get the smaller the world becomes, the possibilities of life constricting until the whole thing’s just about the size of that grave you’re about to collapse into – then I laugh at my own morbidity.

“What’s so funny?” Heather asks, dancing by, acting like she’s just noticed me.

“Oh, you know.”

“Yeah,” she says, and I think she does. “Hey, check out Maria.”

And, yes, there’s Maria, an absolute knockout, and it’s like I’ve never seen her before – how could I have overlooked her? – so sunny and dimpled and smiling that she almost seems inconsequential, but tonight there’s a gravity about her that could never emanate from anything merely pretty, and it occurs to me that in a way we’ve always overlooked her, just Nietzsche’s kid sister, tag along, a bit of a pest really, couldn’t even get a date for the prom until her brother set her up with Zag, the biggest loser in the crowd, who couldn’t get a date either – but clearly she’s left any trace of that kid behind long ago.

“Looking good, isn’t she?” says Heather.

Finally after Nietzsche and I graduated some cherry picking basketball player made a play for her, and they even supposedly got engaged, but I notice he’s nowhere to be seen tonight.

“Trouble in paradise, I hear,” Heather whispers. “Oh, that dress!”

Maria turns toward us and, true enough, that dress, cut like a sundress, but with a yoke of golden brocade halfway up the shoulders and scalloping and squaring and starbursting across her breasts, setting off her fine white neck and smooth arms, with a wink of decolletage and a hemline fluttering over those velvet-muscled dancer’s thighs, the whole effect healthy and honestly attractive rather than, well, slutty like Ungie and the bad girl posse tittering next to her in their miniskirts and endlessly adjusted tube tops.

Right on cue Maria looks up at me and smiles. I take a step toward her, will-less as a sleepwalker, when I’m startled by Heather’s brusque laughter.

“What?”

“What?” she mocks. “Oh, man, you are just too easy.”

Then the glass shatters.

You know what it’s like – after the initial bang makes everybody jump, there’s a silence as they catch up to what’s happened – and then there’s nervous relief, cheers and applause and lame jokes, but really, the whole mood changes, the normal flow of things as broken as the glass.

But I’m still staring – the noise came from the bottom of the stairs where there’s a table set up, with a white table cloth and an enormous cut glass punch bowl, surrounded by real glass glasses, the whole thing presided over by – my goodness – Virginia, not at all abashed, even as grumbling Nietzsche starts fussing over the larger pieces, as she continues to mix up a potent looking concoction from a mismatched collection of bottles, at last delicately coaxing just a few drops from the smallest one.

She meets my eyes deliberately, her full lips pursing. “Come on,” she says. “You first, if you’ve got the guts,” frankly contemptuous, which is odd, because, even in the midst of our many misunderstandings back when, she was never more than sweetly sad, frustrated at times, naturally enough, by my misguided and tenacious passion, but never, ever cruel, even though, God knows, she had enough reasons and chances to be so.

She offers the glass like a challenge and I take it, our fingers meeting with a spark, static electricity no doubt, and I lift it to my lips – the contents feel hot, scalding like coffee, but also burning with strong alcohol – hesitating after my first sip with its cloying, milky texture, but Virginia boldly reaches across and tilts up the bottom, and I’m forced to gulp down the rest, the part that doesn’t drip down my chin anyway, my whole body instantly growing feverish, then cold and clammy, the empty glass falling from my nerveless grasp as soon as Virginia takes her hand away.

It shatters on the floor too, but the novelty’s already worn off, and everybody just lines up for their own shot, only Nietzsche sighs, broom in hand, hoping, I’m sure, that this glass breaking business doesn’t become a craze, the way food fighting did a couple of years ago. I’m elbowed aside and stagger back a few steps, dizzy, already wasted, hypnotized at the sight of the glittering glass fragments being swept into the dust pan, her shards and my shards mixing together there, for once indistinguishable.

Posted in From A hypnagogic Journal | Leave a comment

The New Ann Arbor Reads Selection

A

NIGHT

IN

THE

LIFE

 The party was just beginning. The hip cats and turned-on teenyboppers were arriving on every kind of wheel, while hard rock mingled in the Southern California air with the sweetish, dreamy smoke of Acapulco Gold. Play it cool was the name of the game, but already they were beginning to pair off, girl with boy, boy with boy, girl with girl…every variation…

Because this wasn’t an ordinary blast. This blast was being thrown by Scotty Bannister – the golden Hippie…

"Grandma, what a long way we’ve come in one generation!…Recommended for anyone prepared to be enthralled by the sex life of a teenybopper and who wants a bedside seat at hippie orgies."

– Santa Anna Register

Posted in Books | Leave a comment

Crime Beat: The Scarlett Letter or The Collapsing Elderly Lady Event

 

Scarlett is unfairly penalizing student

 

My daughter is a student at Scarlett Middle School. Students at the school are provided with a laptop for the school year for a $50 deductible. To make a long story short, my daughter’s laptop was taken away for the entire school year only five days after I paid the $50, because it was damaged.

The damage done to the laptop was due to an elderly lady collapsing on her, which my daughter could not have prevented. My daughter never lost possession of her laptop, but actually kept her hands on it to protect it throughout this event, and I have above a dozen witnesses who would testify to this…

Roy T. C., Ann Arbor

Posted in Crime Beat | 1 Comment

From The Shelves of the UBU Imperial Library

To all the groupies,

who made this possible.

Posted in Books | Leave a comment

Quote Bag: Forest Dark

 

Footprints

by Conrad Ferdinand Meyer

 

It was in our youth. I brought you

Back to the neighbors’ house, where you were visiting,

Through the small wood. The mist was trickling,

You pulled up the hood of your traveling dress

And looked at me intimately with your forehead covered.

The path was wet. Our soles stamped themselves

Distinctly onto the damp forest floor,

Our moving soles. You were walking on the rim,

Talking about your journey. Yet another one,

The longer one, would follow, you said.

Then we joked, cleverly covering the face

Of the impending separation, and you departed

At the spot where the roof ridge rises above the elms.

I walked comfortably back over the same path,

Still quietly reveling in your loveliness,

In your fierce shyness, and lightheartedly

Trusting that we would soon meet again.

Sauntering pleasantly, I saw on the field ridge

The outline of your soles still distinctly

Stamped into the damp forest floor,

The slightest trace of you, the most evanescent,

And yet your nature: wandering, traveling,

Slim, pure, forest-dark, but oh how sweet!

The footprints now pointing in the direction opposite to mine

As I walked back over the same stretch:

Out of your footsteps you arose

Before my inward eye. I caught sight of

Your figure with the delicate curve of its bosom.

You walked past, a dream shape.

The footprints now became less distinct,

Half obliterated by rain, which was falling harder.

Then a sadness crept over me:

Almost before my eyes there disappeared

The traces of your last walk with me.

 

translated by Stanley Appelbaum

Posted in FROM THE QUOTE BAG | Leave a comment

Lemmy Caution: On Miranda van Zelden

 

from This Man is Dangerous by Peter Cheyney

 

All of which is very fine but it don’t get you no place an’ it don’t do anything about that smart jane Miranda van Zelden who is a baby who has caused me a whole lot of trouble an’ I don’t mean maybe.

Presenting Miranda van Zelden – glorifying pulchritude. Ladies an’ gentleman give the little girl a hand. Now you know each other I’ll wise you up about Miranda. This dame is an heiress to about seventeen million dollars – does it make you gasp some? She is also as wild as they make ‘em, an’ she is about the swellest looker that ever a tired businessman dreamt about while he was bein’ kept late at the office.

She is lithe like a panther with a figure that could bust up a diamond wedding an’ she dances like a fairy.

I had got my own ideas in pickle for that dame.

I give her a quick once-over an’ I see that she is looking at me very old fashioned like.

It’s funny that this dame should decide that she might like to fall for me some time.

Say, has that dame curves, or has she curves?

She was wearing some shimmery sorta gown made of some stuff that just clung around as if it liked her plenty.

Fellers get into rackets because they want to buy some dame swell clothes, because they want to make her, or because they wanta look like great big he-men, so they get around the place, shootin’ and racketin’, bumping off coppers an’ each other, heistin’ banks, snatchin’ people and generally kicking hell out of everything.

Posted in Books | Leave a comment

RadioFreeUBU

(Now a wholly owned subsidiary of)
Posted in Organizations | 1 Comment

My Favorite Violations

 

from this week’s Restaurant Inspections:

 

The ice bin had an accumulation of a powdery dust.

Toxic cleaning materials were stored on a shelf above cups for customers’ drinks.

Front shelf liner was of wrong material.

The raised floor wasn’t a smooth, easy to clean surface.

Utensils stored on the floor of the store room.

Chick peas were stored in a trash can.

The person in charge had no knowledge of proper dish washing procedure, proper food holding temperatures nor hand washing requirements.

Clean dishes dried with a non-designated towel.

No self-closure on restroom doors.

 

Fourth citation from the health department requiring an informal hearing.

Posted in Food and drink | Leave a comment

After R. Murray Gilchrist

 

At the harvest-home

Vain Rose danced

Among the reapers

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment

UBU Indie Next

Lucky reader, I have decided to share with you my nominations for the American Booksellers Association’s "Indie Next" list. It’s something the ABA puts out there monthly to recommend new books based on the input of indie booksellers. This is the only place where you will be able to read both of these cleverly crafted pieces because they’ll never put two mysteries on the list. I really think these ladies are as good as my hyperbole, as well as being, from the perspective of my slight acquaintance, very cool individuals as well.

 

Bury Me Deep

Megan Abbott

Edgar winning Abbott’s jazz age tale based on the infamous Winnie Ruth Judd "trunk murderess" case immediately and convincingly transports the reader into a compelling, noir tinged world. Her use of period detail and language is masterful, and the characters vividly and sensitively drawn as the narrative inevitably unfolds to its shocking conclusion. Megan Abbott is a writer’s writer, steeped in authentic noir spirit. Even those familiar with the original case will find much to enjoy in this powerful novel.

Last Known Address

Theresa Schwegel

Schwegel won the Edgar Award for best first novel for her "Officer Down," and she more than lives up to her early promise with her fourth book "Last Known Address." Her fast moving present tense narrative follows Chicago detective Sloane Pearson as she battles her way through an indifferent system and an imploding personal life to catch a serial rapist. Schwegel combines action, character, suspense and fine writing to produce one of the best mysteries of the year, both a commentary about the place of women in our society and a dramatic thriller.

Posted in Books | Leave a comment