AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE JUST FOR YOU!

Hello, my name is Manifex Saltmarsh. I’ve come all the way from Kansas City, Missouri to tell you about an exciting new product that will make your toenails curl. It’s known to those of us in Kansas City as the electric plastic sponge mop. It’s guaranteed to cause you to leap into the air and singe your underwear! If anyone has ever even smelled this product they will know that it is the latest thing in mop technology, designed to send you, your mate, or a close personal friend to a place that they have never been before or even dreamed of going in their wildest dreams even after retiring after having eaten a dinner of Welsh rarebit or a cheeseburger from Cap’n Frank’s Burger Barn out in Cape Girardeau. I’m not just saying that this project will change your life, I’m saying that it will revolutionize consciousness on this entire planet and will cause all problems or heartaches to dry up and become one with their maker, Satan, who is also known as a bulldog named Frank who currently resides in an overturned barrel in the city of Odessa, Russia among the unenlightened former communists.
No one knows exactly how this whole thing began. Some posit that it was because of the special lens developed by an quack optometrist named Elmer Olden Burke, who installed this lens in a pair of eyeglasses which enabled him to see the vibrations emanating from a previously unknown cave located on the coast of Maine. Within this cave he discovered a pit in which a gigantic crystal glowed, showering the walls with tiny inscriptions which seemed to indicate that the stock market was a colossal fraud perpetrated by Native American maidens who wanted revenge for the indignities inflicted upon their people. However, it was soon learned that this was not true.
No, the secrets of the electric plastic sponge mop will perhaps never be known at least not in this dimensional vibration. But what is even more significant is that this mop works! It works on your floor! It works on your walls! It works on your ceiling! Your car or tandem bicycle. It will even work on your baby brother or a small obsidian object that your now missing cousin Ralph purchased from a shady shaman vendor in Tijuana, the largest city in the state of Baja California while on shore leave from the USS Mississippi, a Virginia-class nuclear-powered guided-missile cruiser fitted with invisibility and teleportation gear despite the tragic results of the Philadelphia experiment and the fate of the USS Eldridge and her faithful crew. But what Ralph didn’t know is that the power of this small ceramic object will be activated by the electric plastic sponge mop! Who knows what sort of hilarity will result when the rest of the family finds out you have unleashed wealth bestowing beings from another dimension laden with personalized electronic gifts for you and your dearest intimates. But one thing is certain, somewhere in Odessa a bulldog named Frank is sweating bullets to learn his reign of sin and illusion is ending, that is if dogs could sweat anywhere but between their toes which, in my ever humble understanding, they cannot.
I’ve probably said too much already. No doubt there are some, such as Elmer Olden Burke, who would try to drown a fellow in a puddle for exposing such a marvelous truth about the electric plastic sponge mop. I’m not saying that it was developed using alien technology obtained in a barter program for the bodies of 15 month old babies which are considered delicacies among the discerning inhabitants of the Dog Star, but I will guarantee that it will be a boon to you, your housekeeper, or your babysitter, and it may even be beneficial to all dudes’ ceaseless quest to seduce the hottest of ladies by having a sparkling pad for them to perhaps spend the night in carnal enjoyment within. No one can say for sure how vast this and many other benefits will be in unlocking the hidden vibrational frequencies in your closet or lurking among your linens, but I think it’s safe to say that whoever tries the electric plastic sponge mop will find that it is the finest electric plastic sponge mop that they have ever brought into their home, workplace, or place of temporary or permanent confinement. It even works to nullify the humiliating effects of the so-called “monitor” bracelet unjustly placed around the ankle of many an innocent man who desires only to come clean with the latest in nano-mop technology.
How can I say this? Easy! I know it’s hard to believe but I too was once a pitifully ignorant and foolish idiot such as yourself. Like you, I was badly confused and had no idea which way was up, or even the precise name or location of Satan. But, as the preceding narrative clearly displays I was granted sanity by the agency of the electric plastic sponge mop. No drugs were used, no yoga, no yogurt, no dietary salt supplements of any kind, no electric shock treatments or ice-pick lobotomies. You too will come to realize that this sort of product cannot be purchased on the open market, but must be made in basement or garage workshops by devoted hunters of the immaculate such as yourself. Remember the place for a gun is in the forest or woods and the place for an electric plastic sponge mop is in your home, work or place of temporary or permanent confinement. Well, I don’t have much more to say, as a man of a choice few of them I find my words say it all! No one has to urge you to keep reading what you’re reading, or to find out what you’ve already found out, but remember, if you don’t have an electric plastic sponge mop in your life, you’re missing something that can only be described as something super special! I really mean that, and you know I do, because I’m not getting paid for making this testimonial, I’m not doing it at knife point or at the barrel of a gun, or because Ecuadorian guano smugglers have kidnapped my beloved pug, Mr. Pickles, and threatened to cut off his darling double curled tail, I’m only doing it because I had a dream last night that you and you alone wanted to hear this important message I have to offer. You may expect to see a whole lot more of me in the days and weeks to come! I know you’ll enjoy hearing all about the electric plastic sponge mop in person from me, its humble creator. What days will you be home? Please leave the key under the mat, so that I can come in and wait for you if you’re not there, not that I lack the resources to break into (or out of) any so-called secure environment I choose, ankle “monitor” bracelet or no! A hospitality cheese tray and a bottle of Fiji water would also be nice. But no cottage cheese please. Perhaps I will also have the opportunity to tell you the truth about cottage cheese!
Best wishes from your new best pal,
Manifex Saltmarsh, MR.