Act today, not tomorrow: the Blog God must realize urgency of better cool efficiency

by B.O. Plenty and Sprinkle Saltwoman

To our fellow citizens of the Ypsilanti, we have one question: Do you know you will perhaps more than anyone else in the country, have the power to really do something about being cool?

Our spiritual leader Mark Maynard, is most likely the individual who will be right about our response to be being cool. That’s an incredible responsibility. As his disciples we must share that responsibility. It is for this reason that we started an online presence at WWW.MarkMaynard.com to show our leader that he has our support in taking stronger action to help promote global cool.

The goals of this missive are reasonable and modest: one is to promote the public unisexual wearing of Ypsipanties; the other is to ensure more public funding and massive publicity for the sublime gathering that is the Shadow Art Fair.

A few weeks ago we saw the Blog God himself walking down the street. His appearance at that time doesn’t lead us to believe he shares the same sense of urgency. He now appears, in his unkempt and hirsute state to be more like a deranged loner or mountain man than the Beacon of Cool we know him to be. He recently refused to trim his hair, beard, cut his finger nails or stop drooling – which is surprising to us, because a recent poll shows that those of us in his way feel that his personal hygiene needs to be improved. According to a bipartisan poll conducted by the Metalman Group and public opinion strategies, on behalf of the youth campaign for cool, 96% of those who viewed Mark felt that his appearance should be "somewhat less alarming than that of a raving wino at the bus station," exactly the standard which we are now demanding.

If the Blog God says that now is the time to be cool, why is he resisting attempts to make himself look presentable? The Czar of the Ypsipanty has spent a lifetime supporting the cooler than thou ethos and protecting his bald spot. The hypocritical square soulless fiends of Ann Arbor have resisted Mark improving his personal hygiene because they claim it will hurt his authenticity.

However, a recent study by the University of Arwulf Arwulf Physical Education (UAAPE) found that Mark would increase his coolness by a minimum standard of less gross behavior. "Under the highest proposed standards of appearance," the report claims, "Mark stands to have a lot fewer people running away from him if he stops picking his nose." Taking action on this issue immediately will not only help his public image but may improve his startling fingernail problems as well.

Getting a haircut and stopping picking his nose aren’t silver bullets. We know that. They would be, however, steps in the right direction. They are steps Mark needs to take. Rather than fight a higher standard of personal cleanliness we – and the Blog God – should embrace it and focus our energies on bringing dollars into Ypsilanti to promote Ypsipanty wearing and Shadow Art fair going. The publicity is there for public unisexual panty display and paintings of severed unicorn heads. The Blog God and Ypsipany Czar should demand the media resources that will make these activities seem even cooler.

Please join us in encouraging the Blog God to do what’s right for his future – and Ypsilanti’s.