Hello Neighbor!

I stopped by your house to discuss an important matter of great interest to our city with you today, but you weren’t home, so I’m leaving this letter at your domicile to explain the import of said matter in lieu of personal contact with you. You may not know it but my name is Mary Lou Duden and I am the mayor of Ypsilanti. As you also may or may not know our fair city is in deep financial straits thanks to the ill-advised actions of my immediate predecessor as mayor. Such efforts as a circumcision of the water tower, a mayoral Cadillac with spinning wheels and other accouterments more fitting for the conveyance of a rapping musician than the executive leader of a Midwestern metropolis, the so called "crack mansion," the acquisition of solid gold Ypsipanties for the entire city Council and many such follies have led us to this dead-end road of no return.

Unfortunately, in order to solve our current fiscal crisis we must undertake actions that may be painful for the average hard-working citizen of Ypsilanti, be they factory worker, panty manufacturer, human resource coordinator for the adult entertainment industry, controlled substance purveyor or party store employee. The word tax is not one that I as a professional politician enjoy employing when speaking to the public, but it is the only one, except perhaps for winning the lottery or striking oil on Cross Street that could relieve our city’s current distress. A graduated income and entertainment tax is being presented to the public for a referendum on the upcoming ballot Thursday, September 31. I hope I can count on your support for this referendum for the following reasons which I will elucidate clearly and distinctly, with as little of the hot air and verbiage which many in my position are accused of inflicting upon the public without conscience in endlessly repeating themselves and elaborating their comments with no surcease, as if intoxicated by the sound of their own voice until they wear out their welcome. That person is not I.

The term income tax is not difficult to understand. Simply put, if you earn any money by means legal or illegal, from wages or money paid for copper pipe stripped from decaying buildings, you must give a large percentage of said money to city hall, much the same way as a professional escort will tender a portion of her earnings to her protector. The city acts in much the same way as the proverbial "pimp" – if you choose to give us this money we will protect you from predators, fire and chemical attack, however if you withhold this money or "hold out on us" we may be forced to "mess you up" either by the direct action of the police force or by withholding city services such as the fire or sewer department.

There’s so many good things about our city that I would hate to see it get burned down. Wonderful things like Ypsipanties and the Shadow Art Fair would literally go up in smoke. Fine venues like the Déja Vu lounge would not be as popular if they were merely a heap of smoking ashes. Even a soulless behemoth as our evil twin Ann Arbor would be bereft without Ypsilanti’s fine adult entertainment and pharmaceutical advantages.

I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity to speak frankly and warmly with you my beloved constituent. Please consider voting positively for this measure or else consider the alternative which will befall you, your children and any domestic animals you may own.

Sincerely,

Her Honor and Your Mayor,

Mary Lou Duden