If there had been any single person from my past that I hoped to see again, that person would’ve been Heather. I’d kept my eyes open for any sign of her for so long and through so many false alarms that when her return was actually imminent I had to blink a few times before I could actually take it in.

When she’d been around we’d spent our share of time together, and I’d certainly enjoyed it, but it was only after she’d been gone for a while that distance gave me enough perspective to find the real significance in those hours, a significance I’d never found anywhere else. I’d dwelt almost obsessively on that time, and the idea of adding even another minute to it made me more eager than I cared to admit.

Of course there were complications from the very beginning – Pam, the person Heather was going to stay with while she was in town, had decided a few months earlier that she never wanted to speak to me again, mostly because I’d rejected her drunken advances at a party. Our mutual friend Katie had told me Heather was visiting and had promised to bring her over, which was another complication in and of itself.

Katie and I had become close only after Heather had left, and neither of them knew the extent of my involvement of the other. Heather and I had been intimate in many ways, but ours had been an unconventional relationship – but then again unconventional relationships were the only kind Heather had. She’d always been a butterfly, flitting from person to person and situation to situation without ever settling anywhere. To use another metaphor, she was like a child, happy to play with whatever toy she came across, but equally happy to drop it in a dark corner when the next diversion arrived, only to pick it up with equanimity the next time she passed by. I’d tried not to take it personally.

On the other hand, the good thing about Heather was that she didn’t mind if others played with her toys. It wouldn’t bother her a bit to learn that Katie and I were engaged in a slowly developing affair, one that progressed only in the spaces between the frequent break-ups and equally frequent make-ups that headstrong Katie and her equally headstrong boyfriend were prone to. They’d been in make-up mode lately, so Heather wasn’t the only one I hadn’t seen in a while.

Unfortunately, Katie was the kind who cared if someone else played with her toys, even if she wasn’t using them, and once she’d established her powerful suzerainty over a man, she brooked no competition. I was afraid that if she figured out how anxious I was to see Heather she might not bring her over at all, or if she did, and Heather and I hit it off again, that things might get ugly.

I was also worried about someone else – me. Even if Heather hadn’t changed for the worse, I was pretty sure I had. Life had seemingly gone to a lot of trouble to dull the cocksure young blade I’d been, wiping the smirk off my face and showing me to my place somewhere near the bottom of the pile with great gusto. I’d begun to doubt that I was a leading man worthy of a star like Heather, and started to think that maybe I was more of a bit player, destined to be the comic foil for a tart tongued, sour faced supporting actress like Katie. Maybe Heather’s long awaited return wouldn’t light up my life at all, but only harshly illuminate its total mediocrity.

It was even possible that Heather might fail to live up to the exalted image I’d built up of her, and when I saw her side by side with Katie I’d realize that Katie was the one for me after all. Who knew, maybe during the impromptu party that always seemed to spring up around Heather a half remembered face would emerge from the crowd, steal the scene, and make me forget about both of them.

So there was that delicious certainty – that I’d see Heather again, but it was wrapped in so many layers of uncertainty that I could hardly savor it, and pressuring Katie to end the uncertainty was the only way to guarantee that the whole thing wouldn’t happen at all.

Anyway, that’s how I tied myself in knots waiting for Heather.