Hello neighbor!

I am writing this missive in order to introduce myself and ask for your support in the upcoming election for city Council. My name is Jenny Laud Garuda and I would love to have a chance to be your next representative for this ward in our fair city of trees, leaves and bumblebees. As you can perhaps tell I love nature and if I receive your vote I will make sure to make nature my first constituent.

Many factors are at play in our city during this period of transition and uncertainty. The leaves are not yet changing and yet I, and many of those who appreciate things green feel that there is a need for change not only on the molecular level but also on the level of our city government. If I am elected I will ride a bicycle to every meeting and even to the annual junket in Las Vegas. I practice conservation in many ways – I have even been known to chew the same piece of gum for three or four days at a time. Perhaps this is the kind of city Councilwoman that you desire! I know that is true for my husband, even though he no longer resides in our state.

There are those in power in high places in our beautiful town who would like to chain saw all beauty and erect ugly and unnatural edifices of plastic in concrete. I am not one of those people even though I’m not in power but even if I were in power I would also not be one of those people, because and simply because I’m not that kind of a person. I’m a person who likes pretty things and nice things and does not like ugly things and bad things. If that’s the kind of person you would like to have a serving you as a paid representative in both our town and Las Vegas then I’m the kind of a person that a person like you should be voting for.

I’m not going to bore you with long details of my experience and prowess or give you a long list of accomplishments awards and honors that I have won, like my opponent, and not merely because I want to save paper and believe that what is in your heart is more important than what is on your resume, but because a first step must begin somewhere and I would like to begin to change the world in our city council. My friends know that I am an accomplished personality with a love for macramé and abiding respect for small animals and a slight obsession about marsupials. I’m the sort of individual who reads the words of our local blog god Mark Maynard religiously every day – and changes her ypsipanties almost as often! I am no fancy pants with a law degree or experience, but a person like any one of you, who has learned a lot in the simple pursuits of hanging out with society’s humble at liberty Plaza or at the library. You will know that the first thing I will do is to move to allow cute Guinea pigs like my own sweet Throckmorton to run free and happy in the library, police station, juvenile hall, hospital and other places that are, after all, supported by the tax dollars of the mommies and daddies of those same sweet guinea pigs.

I’m not one to beg or threaten, I’ve learned my lesson after the panhandling ordinance and several restraining orders, but I will say that those who do not choose to vote for me in today’s primary are putting a dagger into the heart of mother Earth herself, and basically performing the equivalent of jabbing out the eyeballs of a small, cute animal or cartoon icon such as SpongeBob Square pants with a sharpened pencil. But make no charges that can be proven against my opponent, but if one watches public access cable and the televised meetings of the city Council you will soon note that my said opponent is constantly holding such a sharpened pencil in his hands. A truly astute observer will also note the shocking condition of his cuticles and the amount of dirt he permits to accumulate under his fingernails. My hands, on the other hand seldom hold a sharpened pencil, and are always enlivened with a pleasant pastel or neon shade of nail polish.

Well, Oprah is about to make her appearance on my television so it is with great reluctance that I must bid you my future constituent a fond farewell and bid you to remember that one person’s vote can make all the difference but only if that vote is cast for me.

Thank you and take care God bless,

Your next Councilwoman,

Jenny Laud Garuda