Hello, my name is Alexander Smoot. I’ve come all the way from Kansas City, Missouri to tell you about an exciting new product that will make your toenails curl. It’s known to those of us in Kansas City as the electric plastic sponge mop. It’s guaranteed to cause you to leap into the air and singe your underwear! If anyone has ever even smelled this product they will know that it is the latest thing in mop technology, designed to send you, your mate, or a close personal friend to a place that they have never been before or even dreamed of going in their wildest imagination even after having eaten a dinner of Welsh rarebit or a cheeseburger from Uncle Frank’s Burger Mart in downtown Ashtabula. I’m not saying that this project will change your life, I’m saying that it will revolutionize consciousness on this entire planet and will cause all problems or heartaches to dry up and become one with their maker, Satan, who is also known as a bulldog named Frank who currently resides in an overturned barrel in the city of Odessa, Russia.

No one knows exactly how this whole thing began. Some posit that it was because of the special lens developed by an optometrist named Elmer Olden Burke, who installed this lens in a pair of eyeglasses which enabled him to see the vibrations emanating from a previously unknown cave located on the coast of California. Within this cave he discovered a pit in which a gigantic crystal glowed, showering the walls with tiny inscriptions which seemed to indicate that the stock market was a colossal fraud perpetrated by Native American squaws who wanted revenge for defective Pampers. However, it was soon learned that this was not true.

No, the secrets of the electric sponge mop will perhaps never be known at least not at our dimensional vibration. But what is important is that the mop works! It works on your floor! It works on your ceiling! It will even work on your baby brother or a small ceramic object that your cousin Ralph purchased from a shady shaman vendor in Tijuana! But what Ralph didn’t know is that the power of this small ceramic object will be activated by the electric sponge mop! Who knows what sort of hilarity will result when he finds out! But one thing is certain, somewhere in Odessa a bulldog named Frank is sweating bullets, that is if dogs could sweat anywhere but between their toes.

I’ve probably said too much already. No doubt there are some, such as Elmer Olden Burke, who would try to drown a fellow in a puddle for exposing such a painful truth about the electric plastic sponge mop. I’m not saying that it was developed using alien technology obtained in a barter program for the bodies of 15 month old babies which are considered delicacies among the discerning inhabitants of the Dog Star, but I will guarantee that it will be a boon to you, your housekeeper, or your indentured servant. No one can say for sure how vast the benefits will be in unlocking the hidden vibrational frequencies in your closet or linens, but I think it’s safe to say that whoever tries the electric plastic sponge mop will find that it is the finest electric plastic sponge mop that they have ever brought into their home, workplace, or place of worship.

How can I say this? Easy! I know it’s hard to believe but I too was once an ignorant fool such as yourself. Like you, I had no idea which way was up, or even the name or location of Satan. But, as the preceding narrative clearly displays I was granted sanity by the agency of the electric plastic sponge mop. No drugs were used, no yoga, no yogurt, no dietary salt supplements of any kind. This sort of product cannot be purchased on the open market, but must be made in basement or garage workshops by devoted hunters such as yourself. Remember the place for a gun is in the forest or woods and the place for an electric plastic sponge mop is in your home, work or place of worship. Well, I don’t have much more to say, I think my words say it all! No one has to urge you to do what you’re doing, or to find what you found, but remember, if you don’t already have an electric plastic sponge mop in your life, you’re missing something that can only be described as something super special! I really mean that, and you know I do, because I’m not getting paid for making this testimonial, I’m not doing it at knife point or at the barrel of a gun, I’m only doing it because I had a dream last night that you and you alone wanted to hear this important message. You may expect to see a whole lot more of me in the days and weeks to come! I know you’ll enjoy hearing all about the electric plastic sponge mop from me its humble creator. What days will you be home? Please leave the key under the mat, so that I can come in and wait for you if you’re not there. A cheese tray would also be nice. But no cottage cheese please. Perhaps someday I will tell you the truth about cottage cheese!

Your pal,

you BU